*Gasps* "NO!"
With her heart racing, she woke up. Her emotions were jumbled up, her thoughts were disoriented.
"No, no, no. No more. Not again. No."
She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths.
"Shhh... It's okay. It's not real. I am fine. I am safe. It's okay. It's not real. I am fine. I am safe."
Over and over, she repeated it in her head. Soon after, darker thoughts clouded her mind.
"Hypocrite. Dirty. Destroyer."
The tears came, streaming down her face. She covered her face with her hands, a huge wave of shame and guilt washed over her
"This is all my fault. My fault. I am to be blamed."
......
"Hey," D greeted her. She lifted her hand and managed a small smile. "Rough night?" D asked. She shrugged her shoulders. "Same one?" D pressed. She didn't respond. D sighed. "You know it's not your fault. You can't take the whole blame. It takes two hands to clap, you know," D said. She nodded. D sighed again and was about to say something again. But the lecturer started speaking so nothing was said anymore.
"It is still my fault."
......
She walked away feeling more broken than before. Whatever confidence and self-esteem she has was gone down the drain. What was left is a broken body, heart and mind. Used and thrown away like a worthless piece of trash.
One after another. Murkiness. Undefined. Fantasy.
She blamed no one but herself. She should have known better.
......
Night time. Looking into the mirror, she sees a person who will never be clean no matter how much shower she takes. She couldn't bear to look at herself.
"Hypocrite. Dirty. Destroyer."
Lying in the dark, on the bed, she cannot stop the accusations that were getting louder and longer as the seconds tick by.
"It's your fault. You are a hypocrite. You could have destroy a family. You good-for-nothing whore."
"I never wanted this. Not this way."
"But you made that choice. Choices were made by you and you alone. You are to be blamed."
She covered her face and started crying out loud.
"Yes. I am to be blamed for having a relationship with an unavailable man. It is all my fault. And the previous undefined relationships. It is all my fault too. I am to be blamed."
......
They are sitting in a quiet corner of a cafe. He holds her hand. She looks into his eyes. She blinks and suddenly, they are lying on a bed. He touches her face gently.
"You know I love you, right? I really do." He kissed her and began touching her inappropriately.
"Wait. Stop. No."
"It's okay. I won't hurt you. Remember, you started it."
"No. Not to this extend. Stop."
The door suddenly opens.
"You are going to pay for this. You are going to hell. This is all your fault."
"Wait, no! I-I-"
"You started it, my dear. It's your fault." He laughs and takes off his shirt.
"No. NO!"
*Gasps* "NO!"
......
To be continued...
