When I meet disappointment face to face

As some of you might know, I am suppose to be heading to Penang and Taiping with a friend. It is suppose to be our graduation trip. Since we know each other in Semester 1, we have been talking about making this trip to Penang. 3 whole years, we planned and we talked. Finally, we took action and we waited in anticipation for today.

But here I am, sitting in my living room, writing this blog post. Why? Well, due to some unforeseen health related issues (My poor friend, not me. I am perfectly good. No worries.), the trip has to be cancelled. 3 long years of anticipation vanished. All the fun that we dreamt of is gone.

At first, my friend asked to delay our trip for a day. I was a little upset but still fine. But later on when she told me that she really couldn't make it and we have to cancel everything, that was when I really broke down and cried.

I cannot deny that I selfishly thought of myself when I receive the news. "I" am so disappointed. "I" am so sad. This is not happening to "ME". "MY" graduation trip is gone. Everything is about "I" and "me".

I also cannot deny that I was mad at my friend. Why didn't she take better care of herself? Why, of all times, she has to get ill at this time? All the "whys". All the blame. All the accusations. It is as if she purposely get herself ill to not go on this trip.

Sure, I have been disappointed many times. But this is a different kind of disappointment. It is a long awaited, long anticipated, most looked-forward trip and we were SO close to making it happen. Just THIS close. Our 3-year dream is THIS close to coming true. Then circumstances intervene and everything was flush down the drain.

Can you feel it? That disappointment? It's a million knives stabbed into your heart. The whole world's sadness is suddenly on your shoulders.

I received the news yesterday night and I cried in selfishness and anger. But it all changed this morning after I spoke with her mother. Not by choice, mind you. I called her to double confirm the cancellation of the room reservation and her mother picked up the call instead.

That was when I realised that this isn't all about me. It's "US". She cried too. She was disappointed too. She is feeling exactly the same thing I am feeling. She also has to deal with one more emotion called guilt. This isn't MY trip. It's OUR trip. Suddenly, I felt horrible for pointing fingers. I had let disappointment cloud my judgement and made me into a selfish, self-centred, uncaring friend.

My friend is suffering until the point where she has to give up a trip that she had longed for. Yet here I am, accusing her like it's her fault. This is wrong and I felt so horrible and sorry for even having those thoughts in my head.

After cancelling the reservation, I cried again. For a long time, I just cried. But this time, it is for the both of us. I cried because life isn't fair sometimes. I cried because I know there might not be a next time soon. I cried because she is suffering. I cried for lost dreams. So many reasons and everything is about us.

When I meet disappointment face to face, it is so easy to put myself first. It is so human to be selfish and putting the blame on someone is too easy. But is this right? What good will come out of this? Can this change anything? No. Nothing good will come out of this.

This is life. It isn't fair and it is full of unpleasant surprises. You just got to accept it, get over it and move on. There is no one to blame for this. It's just....circumstances came in the way of life and sacrifices have to be made. Pointing fingers will only cause more trouble.

Yes, I am still upset and disappointed about the failed trip. But, I suppose there will always be a next time. Don't know when that will be but when there's a will, there's a way. Not all hope is lost. It will take some time for me to get over this. At least I am able to sincerely tell my friend that I don't blame her and this is nobody's fault.

I am really sorry for being selfish. It isn't right. I will try my best not to let my emotions cloud my judgement next time.

#22

So, I am officially 22 years old for a day. What does it feel like, you might ask. After a while, age really becomes a number and birthdays are just like any other day. Except, maybe, you might get some gifts and well wishes.

My 22nd isn't as dramatic as my 21st. What with my face being slapped into a cake and then getting thrown into the sea. Nah. It was pretty quiet compared to last year. I still smile whenever I think about my 21st. A moment in my life where I will never forget.

But one thing is really scary though. My final results were released on my birthday. So, there is only two ways my day will go: 1. really happy because my results are good and everything is just perfect or 2. really upset because my results are bad and everything is ruin. Well, thank God. It was good enough. My day wasn't ruin at all. Yays!

There is really nothing much to say. Just a short post. Like a diary entry. God has been good to me throughout my 22 years of life. I have a wonderful (but sometimes exasperating. hehe.) family and many awesome friends. What more can I ask for? There are the usual ups and downs, but God is good. Life is good.

A BIG thank you to my family, all my friends and my family in Christ. Without all your support and encouragement, I wouldn't be here today and I wouldn't be who I am today. I still have a lot to learn and a long road to walk. So, please do continue to point out my mistakes to me and teach me. I beg for your forgiveness if I had done or said anything that had hurt you.

Last but not least, I CAN GRADUATE!! Can't wait for my convocation in November!

Next, finding a job... *screams*

The next chapter of my life is going to begin soon~

Before it's too late

"You mustn't cry in front of people." "You cannot show any negative emotions to others." "Crying is shameful and embarrassing."

And so, I learnt to act tough and strong. I smiled and laughed even when I was breaking and wilting inside. Oh, I can act. I can really act when I want to.

But when I am alone, the tears cannot come. Because it's too late. What's left behind is an empty shell and buried pain. There is no outlet.

Tonight, dark thoughts entered and surrounded my mind. I cannot help it. I cannot stop it. Voices whispers in my mind, taunting me and ripping me apart.

Yet no tears came.

It's too late.

I believe emotions have to be dealt with there and then. For me, it's unhealthy to stop an emotion from running it's course. I find it more harmful to me than beneficial.

When I sleep, nightmares visit me. I will be trapped in it, unable to wake up. Again and again, I will be having the same nightmare. Reliving the horror again and again. A terrifying side effect of bottled up emotions? Maybe.

Tonight, I am losing my battle. I cannot take it anymore.

I am a master of deception. I can only cover up so much. In the end, no matter how much I cover up, I still can never run away from myself.

When you see through your own deception, your picture perfect world comes crumbling now. It's over.

It's too late.

......

You...

I am sorry. I want to fight. I tell you to fight. Yet, here I am, losing my will to fight. I am such a hypocrite.

But you kept the voices at bay. You might not know it but you did.

I didn't want you to go. I fear that if you did, I will be lost forever. Gone. But I cannot ask you to stay. That would be too selfish of me. 

I kept telling you to go because I don't want you to see me like this. This other darker, broken side of me that I am so ashamed of. 

It is not your duty to stay. I don't want you to stay either. Go. Be free. Fight.

Thank you for everything. What have I done to deserve your friendship? You really are a blessing and a gift from God.

Now, go. Before it's too late...

Story - Part 5: Aftermath

"Who are you?"

He smiled.

"Never mind who am I. As long as you are alright. I have to go. Goodbye!"

"Wait! Don't leave!"

She gasped and opened her eyes.

"Don't leave!"

"Miss? Are you alright?"

"Where...? Who are you?"

"I am Dr G. You are in the hospital. Your family members stepped out for a moment. They should be back soon."

"Where is he?"

"Where is who?"

"That guy! He was the one that convinced me to live! Where is he?"

"Well, I don't see any other guy here. I just came in. But you lost a lot of blood and when you were sent here, we thought we would lose you. Your mother was in a very bad shape."

She turned her head away, momentarily lost in thought.

"Miss?"

She looked at the doctor again. He was looking at her hospital chart.

"Whatever you are going through, it's really not worth throwing your life away. Talk to someone about your problems. Seek professional help. Life is precious. Don't throw it away just like that."

She nodded. He smiled and left.

"Unconditional love is boundless. It forgives. It forgets. It accepts. It gives a second chance to a new life."

Dare she believe in that?

......

One year later...

Life isn't always smooth sailing. It is like a roller coaster ride. There are ups, there are downs.

But one thing I have learnt is to let go and let the past be the past.

Sure, the accusations still resurface. It will never be gone. 

But I have learnt to accept the fact that the whole highly inappropriate, forbidden non-relationship happened and I can't do anything to change it.

Is it my fault? Yes, I still blame myself. Do I still feel guilty? Yes, I do.

Life is all about making mistakes and learning from it. 

There are still sleepless nights and being shocked awake by nightmares.

I still have a long way to go in forgiving myself. Don't think I would ever forget the whole episode though.

As my angel said, I am given a second chance to live. I am going to live my life to the fullest now.

......

'Hey!"

"Hi, E! Glad you could make it!"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world, sister!"

"What did I do to deserve such a good un-biological brother like you!"

......

Life goes on... 

Along the way, you would meet people who accepts you for who you are and doesn't judge you because of your past.

Treasure them. Love them.

Most importantly, learn from your mistakes and live life to the fullest.

There is only one life. It is precious. Live it well.

......

The End.

Story - Part 4: Thoughts

Death.

Everyone has their own version of death and the afterlife.

Some say that there is no afterlife, that after you die, there is nothing else.

But there are also theories of burning hell, reincarnation, beautiful heaven and so on.

Nobody knows what exactly will happen after you die.

......

How it easy it is for us to give up life and choose death instead.

You got to fight to live every single day.

But death...

You just......die. The end.

No more fighting. No more emotions. Nothing.

It is so easy to choose death.

After all, death is inevitable.

So, why not choose death now?

......

But.

All the trials that we face in life make us stronger and tougher.

Mistakes are meant to be made so that we can learn.

It is all these tiny, little things that make life colourful and interesting.

Sure, giving up and dying would be easier.

But is this the legacy that you want to leave behind?

......

Life is tough.

But it can be beautiful too.

Faith, hope and love.

Isn't that the basis of Life?

Death is easy.

But sometimes, taking the easy way out isn't always a good thing.

So, death or life?

......

She slowly opened her eyes. The bright lights hurt her eyes and she closed it again. She wriggled her toes and moved her hands. Everything is intact. Great. 

There were sounds of beeping machines, footsteps and people speaking softly.

Hospital. She must be in the hospital.

She blinked and her eyesight slowly came into focus.

"Miss? Can you hear me? How are you feeling?"

She turned her head towards that familiar voice.

"You... Your voice... Who are you?"

......

To be continued...