When I meet disappointment face to face

As some of you might know, I am suppose to be heading to Penang and Taiping with a friend. It is suppose to be our graduation trip. Since we know each other in Semester 1, we have been talking about making this trip to Penang. 3 whole years, we planned and we talked. Finally, we took action and we waited in anticipation for today.

But here I am, sitting in my living room, writing this blog post. Why? Well, due to some unforeseen health related issues (My poor friend, not me. I am perfectly good. No worries.), the trip has to be cancelled. 3 long years of anticipation vanished. All the fun that we dreamt of is gone.

At first, my friend asked to delay our trip for a day. I was a little upset but still fine. But later on when she told me that she really couldn't make it and we have to cancel everything, that was when I really broke down and cried.

I cannot deny that I selfishly thought of myself when I receive the news. "I" am so disappointed. "I" am so sad. This is not happening to "ME". "MY" graduation trip is gone. Everything is about "I" and "me".

I also cannot deny that I was mad at my friend. Why didn't she take better care of herself? Why, of all times, she has to get ill at this time? All the "whys". All the blame. All the accusations. It is as if she purposely get herself ill to not go on this trip.

Sure, I have been disappointed many times. But this is a different kind of disappointment. It is a long awaited, long anticipated, most looked-forward trip and we were SO close to making it happen. Just THIS close. Our 3-year dream is THIS close to coming true. Then circumstances intervene and everything was flush down the drain.

Can you feel it? That disappointment? It's a million knives stabbed into your heart. The whole world's sadness is suddenly on your shoulders.

I received the news yesterday night and I cried in selfishness and anger. But it all changed this morning after I spoke with her mother. Not by choice, mind you. I called her to double confirm the cancellation of the room reservation and her mother picked up the call instead.

That was when I realised that this isn't all about me. It's "US". She cried too. She was disappointed too. She is feeling exactly the same thing I am feeling. She also has to deal with one more emotion called guilt. This isn't MY trip. It's OUR trip. Suddenly, I felt horrible for pointing fingers. I had let disappointment cloud my judgement and made me into a selfish, self-centred, uncaring friend.

My friend is suffering until the point where she has to give up a trip that she had longed for. Yet here I am, accusing her like it's her fault. This is wrong and I felt so horrible and sorry for even having those thoughts in my head.

After cancelling the reservation, I cried again. For a long time, I just cried. But this time, it is for the both of us. I cried because life isn't fair sometimes. I cried because I know there might not be a next time soon. I cried because she is suffering. I cried for lost dreams. So many reasons and everything is about us.

When I meet disappointment face to face, it is so easy to put myself first. It is so human to be selfish and putting the blame on someone is too easy. But is this right? What good will come out of this? Can this change anything? No. Nothing good will come out of this.

This is life. It isn't fair and it is full of unpleasant surprises. You just got to accept it, get over it and move on. There is no one to blame for this. It's just....circumstances came in the way of life and sacrifices have to be made. Pointing fingers will only cause more trouble.

Yes, I am still upset and disappointed about the failed trip. But, I suppose there will always be a next time. Don't know when that will be but when there's a will, there's a way. Not all hope is lost. It will take some time for me to get over this. At least I am able to sincerely tell my friend that I don't blame her and this is nobody's fault.

I am really sorry for being selfish. It isn't right. I will try my best not to let my emotions cloud my judgement next time.