Book review: Finding beauty in the cervices of pain

Some people achieved fame at the age of 16. Some became a multi-billionaire by 30. Whereas others find their soulmate at 18 and, unfortunately, lose them before 40.

Such is the case for the author of this book, Felicia Lam. In this book Finding beauty in the cervices of pain, Lam recounted the wonderful past with her beloved husband and the aftermath of his passing. She spoke of her grief and depression, and how she overcame it with the love, strength and comfort of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour.

Her story reminds me to appreciate life and the people around us before its too late. Who cares about the past when what matters the most is the here and now? When someone close is gone, the past and any wrongdoings don't seem so significant anymore.

The pain of losing the one that you loved so dearly is unimaginable unless you have experienced it yourself. You might think that the grief and pain will never end, and you are drowning in it.

But Lam has proven that walking out of the grief and pain is possible. She has done it with God's guidance, along with the support of close friends, family and brothers and sisters-in-Christ. All you have to do is reach out.

Amid the pain and suffering, Lam was able to find peace and hope in God. Her journey has been tough but, ultimately, she was able to breakthrough and saw the blessing and beauty behind it all. Now, her life story becomes a living testimony of God's faithfulness and goodness.

I greatly admire her courage and strength. Hidden among those simple words is a vulnerability that is so raw but full of strength. The presentation of her story is straightforward yet impactful to me. Reading through the pages, I find myself being swept up in an emotional roller coaster ride that is so real.

I finished reading the book within a few hours as I just couldn't let go of it. The intensity of the words captured my heart and attention.

Friends, pick up a copy of the book and read it. If you think you have hit rock bottom and all hope is gone, I hope Lam's story will be able to help shed some light in your dark world. There is a way out of the dark and depressing world called pain and grief. No matter how hard life gets, there is always hope in Jesus Christ.

My personal rating: 5/5

Story - Angel

The familiar melody started playing through the speakers. I closed my eyes and let all the memories flow through my mind.

I can't give you things that I don't have. But what I have is love. It's the only thing I never knew my heart had plenty of. Until you showed me I was more than I could be. And now love is something new because of someone new in me.

I was in such a terrible state when we first met. But I was too proud to admit I needed help. Yet you saw through me and patiently taught me to see things in other perspective.

Before, I scoff at anyone who speaks of love. To me, love is nothing more than a tool used by many people to lie and cheat off others.

In some ways, I was like Ebenezer Scrooge - selfish, compassionless, bitter and loveless. Ebenezer Scrooge was a stingy and greedy miser. Me, I was a cold and heartless brute.

I was blinded by misery and hurt. The old wounds never healed.

I am not the same since I met you. I've come to understand. Even if it takes a million years, I'll wait to hold your hand. You're the rhythm in my heart that makes me feel. And I know that in this life, I'll never find a love so real.

I have no idea why you stayed when everyone else gave up. But thanks to you, I see life more than just something to endure. You worked magic in me.

As time goes by, very simply put, I fell in love with you. I was caught by surprise. I began believing in love again, giving it a second chance.

You were my ghost of Christmas past, present and future; reminding me of the beauty of life and, most importantly, love.

Such a simple four-letter word yet it contains so much power and meaning.

Angel, save your love for me. I've fallen so in love with you. You are "the everything" in everything I do. And I'll get down upon my knees, pledge to you eternally, that all I'll ever ask of you is only that you save your love for me.

I opened my eyes. There you are, dancing with your bride to this song that describe how I felt for you. Tears slide down my cheek.

I would do anything for you to save your love for me.

But, I was too late.

My angel...

*Song lyrics "Save your love for me" by Donnie Demers.

Story - On my own

*Ping* "You are the best, sis!"

I looked at the message and I felt......nothing. Stoned, maybe? It's like being general anaesthetic. That's right. Numb. There is no one to blame for this but myself. My own stubbornness, pig-headedness and stupidness resulted to this situation I am in.

A missed chance.

How many times has my heart been wronged? But it felt so right this time. Wrong timing? I do not know. Is it me? Probably. That self-defence mechanism is far too finely oiled and that protective shield is way too thick and hard.

If only...

I was once asked, what's the worst that can happen if he pulls back? At that time, I simply replied, I just move on with my life. How true it is when one said, it is easier said than done. The cliché phrase here would be: my heart is broken and I don't know whether I can move on.

Hollywood sells the idea of love at first sight or falling in love with sparks and fireworks. A girl and a guy meets and the whole world turns upside down. Many drama happens in between but in the end, they both end up together and live happily ever after. When you fall in love, you fall hard and fast.

But is it really like that?

As time goes by, I noticed many things that made him different from the others. My definition of time is not just over a course of weeks or months. I meant years. A simple friendship that grew and grew. By the time I realised it, I was rather surprised.

Maybe we are just not meant to be. Right now, in the mist of sorting out my messed up emotions, I am very grateful that we are still close friends and he has not shut me out. This is more than enough.

Gradually falling in love is one of the loveliest things that can happen. I said this because you get to know and love that person for who he or she truly is. Not just the persona he or she put out front for the general public to know. Being allowed to truly know a person is a privilege that I never take for granted.

So what's the story here?

My story is this: never ever take things and chances for granted because once it's gone, it's gone. I missed my chance. Don't miss yours.

How well the song "On my own" from the musical Les Misérables describe my current situation. The final line goes: I love him......but only on my own.

When I meet disappointment face to face

As some of you might know, I am suppose to be heading to Penang and Taiping with a friend. It is suppose to be our graduation trip. Since we know each other in Semester 1, we have been talking about making this trip to Penang. 3 whole years, we planned and we talked. Finally, we took action and we waited in anticipation for today.

But here I am, sitting in my living room, writing this blog post. Why? Well, due to some unforeseen health related issues (My poor friend, not me. I am perfectly good. No worries.), the trip has to be cancelled. 3 long years of anticipation vanished. All the fun that we dreamt of is gone.

At first, my friend asked to delay our trip for a day. I was a little upset but still fine. But later on when she told me that she really couldn't make it and we have to cancel everything, that was when I really broke down and cried.

I cannot deny that I selfishly thought of myself when I receive the news. "I" am so disappointed. "I" am so sad. This is not happening to "ME". "MY" graduation trip is gone. Everything is about "I" and "me".

I also cannot deny that I was mad at my friend. Why didn't she take better care of herself? Why, of all times, she has to get ill at this time? All the "whys". All the blame. All the accusations. It is as if she purposely get herself ill to not go on this trip.

Sure, I have been disappointed many times. But this is a different kind of disappointment. It is a long awaited, long anticipated, most looked-forward trip and we were SO close to making it happen. Just THIS close. Our 3-year dream is THIS close to coming true. Then circumstances intervene and everything was flush down the drain.

Can you feel it? That disappointment? It's a million knives stabbed into your heart. The whole world's sadness is suddenly on your shoulders.

I received the news yesterday night and I cried in selfishness and anger. But it all changed this morning after I spoke with her mother. Not by choice, mind you. I called her to double confirm the cancellation of the room reservation and her mother picked up the call instead.

That was when I realised that this isn't all about me. It's "US". She cried too. She was disappointed too. She is feeling exactly the same thing I am feeling. She also has to deal with one more emotion called guilt. This isn't MY trip. It's OUR trip. Suddenly, I felt horrible for pointing fingers. I had let disappointment cloud my judgement and made me into a selfish, self-centred, uncaring friend.

My friend is suffering until the point where she has to give up a trip that she had longed for. Yet here I am, accusing her like it's her fault. This is wrong and I felt so horrible and sorry for even having those thoughts in my head.

After cancelling the reservation, I cried again. For a long time, I just cried. But this time, it is for the both of us. I cried because life isn't fair sometimes. I cried because I know there might not be a next time soon. I cried because she is suffering. I cried for lost dreams. So many reasons and everything is about us.

When I meet disappointment face to face, it is so easy to put myself first. It is so human to be selfish and putting the blame on someone is too easy. But is this right? What good will come out of this? Can this change anything? No. Nothing good will come out of this.

This is life. It isn't fair and it is full of unpleasant surprises. You just got to accept it, get over it and move on. There is no one to blame for this. It's just....circumstances came in the way of life and sacrifices have to be made. Pointing fingers will only cause more trouble.

Yes, I am still upset and disappointed about the failed trip. But, I suppose there will always be a next time. Don't know when that will be but when there's a will, there's a way. Not all hope is lost. It will take some time for me to get over this. At least I am able to sincerely tell my friend that I don't blame her and this is nobody's fault.

I am really sorry for being selfish. It isn't right. I will try my best not to let my emotions cloud my judgement next time.

#22

So, I am officially 22 years old for a day. What does it feel like, you might ask. After a while, age really becomes a number and birthdays are just like any other day. Except, maybe, you might get some gifts and well wishes.

My 22nd isn't as dramatic as my 21st. What with my face being slapped into a cake and then getting thrown into the sea. Nah. It was pretty quiet compared to last year. I still smile whenever I think about my 21st. A moment in my life where I will never forget.

But one thing is really scary though. My final results were released on my birthday. So, there is only two ways my day will go: 1. really happy because my results are good and everything is just perfect or 2. really upset because my results are bad and everything is ruin. Well, thank God. It was good enough. My day wasn't ruin at all. Yays!

There is really nothing much to say. Just a short post. Like a diary entry. God has been good to me throughout my 22 years of life. I have a wonderful (but sometimes exasperating. hehe.) family and many awesome friends. What more can I ask for? There are the usual ups and downs, but God is good. Life is good.

A BIG thank you to my family, all my friends and my family in Christ. Without all your support and encouragement, I wouldn't be here today and I wouldn't be who I am today. I still have a lot to learn and a long road to walk. So, please do continue to point out my mistakes to me and teach me. I beg for your forgiveness if I had done or said anything that had hurt you.

Last but not least, I CAN GRADUATE!! Can't wait for my convocation in November!

Next, finding a job... *screams*

The next chapter of my life is going to begin soon~

Before it's too late

"You mustn't cry in front of people." "You cannot show any negative emotions to others." "Crying is shameful and embarrassing."

And so, I learnt to act tough and strong. I smiled and laughed even when I was breaking and wilting inside. Oh, I can act. I can really act when I want to.

But when I am alone, the tears cannot come. Because it's too late. What's left behind is an empty shell and buried pain. There is no outlet.

Tonight, dark thoughts entered and surrounded my mind. I cannot help it. I cannot stop it. Voices whispers in my mind, taunting me and ripping me apart.

Yet no tears came.

It's too late.

I believe emotions have to be dealt with there and then. For me, it's unhealthy to stop an emotion from running it's course. I find it more harmful to me than beneficial.

When I sleep, nightmares visit me. I will be trapped in it, unable to wake up. Again and again, I will be having the same nightmare. Reliving the horror again and again. A terrifying side effect of bottled up emotions? Maybe.

Tonight, I am losing my battle. I cannot take it anymore.

I am a master of deception. I can only cover up so much. In the end, no matter how much I cover up, I still can never run away from myself.

When you see through your own deception, your picture perfect world comes crumbling now. It's over.

It's too late.

......

You...

I am sorry. I want to fight. I tell you to fight. Yet, here I am, losing my will to fight. I am such a hypocrite.

But you kept the voices at bay. You might not know it but you did.

I didn't want you to go. I fear that if you did, I will be lost forever. Gone. But I cannot ask you to stay. That would be too selfish of me. 

I kept telling you to go because I don't want you to see me like this. This other darker, broken side of me that I am so ashamed of. 

It is not your duty to stay. I don't want you to stay either. Go. Be free. Fight.

Thank you for everything. What have I done to deserve your friendship? You really are a blessing and a gift from God.

Now, go. Before it's too late...

Story - Part 5: Aftermath

"Who are you?"

He smiled.

"Never mind who am I. As long as you are alright. I have to go. Goodbye!"

"Wait! Don't leave!"

She gasped and opened her eyes.

"Don't leave!"

"Miss? Are you alright?"

"Where...? Who are you?"

"I am Dr G. You are in the hospital. Your family members stepped out for a moment. They should be back soon."

"Where is he?"

"Where is who?"

"That guy! He was the one that convinced me to live! Where is he?"

"Well, I don't see any other guy here. I just came in. But you lost a lot of blood and when you were sent here, we thought we would lose you. Your mother was in a very bad shape."

She turned her head away, momentarily lost in thought.

"Miss?"

She looked at the doctor again. He was looking at her hospital chart.

"Whatever you are going through, it's really not worth throwing your life away. Talk to someone about your problems. Seek professional help. Life is precious. Don't throw it away just like that."

She nodded. He smiled and left.

"Unconditional love is boundless. It forgives. It forgets. It accepts. It gives a second chance to a new life."

Dare she believe in that?

......

One year later...

Life isn't always smooth sailing. It is like a roller coaster ride. There are ups, there are downs.

But one thing I have learnt is to let go and let the past be the past.

Sure, the accusations still resurface. It will never be gone. 

But I have learnt to accept the fact that the whole highly inappropriate, forbidden non-relationship happened and I can't do anything to change it.

Is it my fault? Yes, I still blame myself. Do I still feel guilty? Yes, I do.

Life is all about making mistakes and learning from it. 

There are still sleepless nights and being shocked awake by nightmares.

I still have a long way to go in forgiving myself. Don't think I would ever forget the whole episode though.

As my angel said, I am given a second chance to live. I am going to live my life to the fullest now.

......

'Hey!"

"Hi, E! Glad you could make it!"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world, sister!"

"What did I do to deserve such a good un-biological brother like you!"

......

Life goes on... 

Along the way, you would meet people who accepts you for who you are and doesn't judge you because of your past.

Treasure them. Love them.

Most importantly, learn from your mistakes and live life to the fullest.

There is only one life. It is precious. Live it well.

......

The End.