Before it's too late

"You mustn't cry in front of people." "You cannot show any negative emotions to others." "Crying is shameful and embarrassing."

And so, I learnt to act tough and strong. I smiled and laughed even when I was breaking and wilting inside. Oh, I can act. I can really act when I want to.

But when I am alone, the tears cannot come. Because it's too late. What's left behind is an empty shell and buried pain. There is no outlet.

Tonight, dark thoughts entered and surrounded my mind. I cannot help it. I cannot stop it. Voices whispers in my mind, taunting me and ripping me apart.

Yet no tears came.

It's too late.

I believe emotions have to be dealt with there and then. For me, it's unhealthy to stop an emotion from running it's course. I find it more harmful to me than beneficial.

When I sleep, nightmares visit me. I will be trapped in it, unable to wake up. Again and again, I will be having the same nightmare. Reliving the horror again and again. A terrifying side effect of bottled up emotions? Maybe.

Tonight, I am losing my battle. I cannot take it anymore.

I am a master of deception. I can only cover up so much. In the end, no matter how much I cover up, I still can never run away from myself.

When you see through your own deception, your picture perfect world comes crumbling now. It's over.

It's too late.

......

You...

I am sorry. I want to fight. I tell you to fight. Yet, here I am, losing my will to fight. I am such a hypocrite.

But you kept the voices at bay. You might not know it but you did.

I didn't want you to go. I fear that if you did, I will be lost forever. Gone. But I cannot ask you to stay. That would be too selfish of me. 

I kept telling you to go because I don't want you to see me like this. This other darker, broken side of me that I am so ashamed of. 

It is not your duty to stay. I don't want you to stay either. Go. Be free. Fight.

Thank you for everything. What have I done to deserve your friendship? You really are a blessing and a gift from God.

Now, go. Before it's too late...